He’s Not Too Young For You is an unusual topic, somewhat of a detour from you previous two books, Family Estrangements and Remarried with Children, both dealing with family relationships. Why the change to this topic, a rather sexy one I’d say?
I’m still dealing with relationships, albeit a narrower focus on romance between men and women. Two observations led me to this topic: too many widows and too many women on fast track careers into their 30s and 40s wh
o didn’t take the time to find a mate. Looking to a younger man broadens the field of eligibles for all these women.
Aren’t men programmed to want younger women who are not as smart or accomplished as they are?
No, emphatically no, to both points.
During my research, I found it difficult to locate enough men to interview for my book on women with younger men, so, on the advice of a friend, I signed onto a couple of dating sites, put my profile and picture up with a clear cut statement that I was married and looking to find men willing to tell me about their relationships and/or preferences for older women. An astonishing response—literally 10 to 20 replies a day, and they came from men of all ages from the United States, Canada, Great Britain, and Australia. Not one man had a negative comment about dating older women. Most said, “A woman’s age doesn’t matter. It’s the person.” In fact, in describing what kind of woman they were looking for, almost all men on these sites put an age range wide enough to include women as much as ten years older than they were.
Going to the next point of smart and accomplished women, we can look at the 2006 Current Population Survey of 50,000 households. The results show women who have graduate degrees or top salaries are more likely to marry than their less accomplished sisters. In addition, recent research published in The American Journal of Sociology found that men are more attracted to high achieving women. Based on interpersonal relationships in 60 communities nationwide, the study concluded that women in positions of power are sexier to men than more subordinate women. HELLO!
Is this a new trend or a passing fad?
It’s a hot new trend started, where else, but, in Hollywood. Is it a passing fad? Probably not because of the demographics, namely too many widows and women in their 30s and 40s still unattached but wanting a mate. Demi Moore, Catherine Deneuve, Sharon Stone, Susan Sarandon, Tina Turner, Jacqueline Bissett, Goldie Hawn, Joan Collins, Julianne Moore, Halle Berry, Madonna, are just some of the Tinsel Town ladies who come to mind as the trend setters. All of these women are in marriages or relationships with men considerably younger than they are. For many women, not just celebrities, the allure never fades. A healthy life style offers affords more stamina and stronger libidos than people of their ages in previous generations. Unless there’s a dramatic shift that I can’t foresee, I believe this is not a passing fad but rather a growing trend.
What is the purpose of writing the book, He’s Not Too Young For You?
Since the taboo of the woman and younger man relationship is waning, there will be many more age reverse relationships. Navigating these new waters requires help not only for the older woman but also for the younger man. Telling your family and your friends about your less traditional relationship can be problematic. Dealing with disparate incomes, sexuality, children, are also areas that pose a challenge. These and other questions are answered in the book.
What reasons did men give for preferring older women?
The most prevalent reasons given were the woman’s confidence, style, and experience. Many said they liked that the older woman knew what she wanted and how to get it. One man described himself as young, footloose and disposable until he met a woman ten years older who saw in him what he could become. “When I first met her at a toney event, I recognized the steely glint in her gaze that said, ‘you’re for me.’ I was more than happy to accommodate.”
We know how visual men are. Were looks paramount to men in deciding to ask an older woman out on a date?
Though many women may fuss and fret over ageing, a cool, confident guy simply doesn’t care. They see mature beauty in women who inhabit their bodies comfortably. In them, the physical and the intellectual combine to a genuinely sexy effect.
The term “cougars” is used to describe the women who go for young men. Is that what you’re writing about?
The word “cougar” colloquially defines a typically professional woman, attractive, and financially independent who actively seeks young men at bars, on the Internet, and at the workplace. Many of these women have been through a rough divorce and want the carefree pleasures of a young single man. I do include cougars in a section of one chapter, but this book is intended for a much wider audience of women who are being demographically shut out of the dating pool because of widowhood or because men of their age are already married or gay. Most of these women would not fit the cougar definition.
Being as youthful looking and attractive as you are, aren’t people going to assume that you are one of the women looking for a younger man?
They already do, at least the male population on the dating sites, who, in their own interest, assume that my request for interviews was a gimmick and that the book was a fabrication. I made it quite clear that I was married and not looking for myself. Some continue to doubt and will only believe me when the book is published, but non fiction writers are always scrutinized for one reason or another, and often accused of having an agenda. Frankly, if I were not married, I would seek the companionship of a younger man for the same reasons many women are doing so, the details of which are explained in the book.
Did you have any kind of epiphany after doing the research for this topic?
Most definitely. I came to believe that women have been under a wrong impression that aging detracts from their sexual magnetism, and that their options are steadily diminishing. They are mistaken. Today’s younger men are attracted to older women, finding them sexier than younger women who have not yet developed their sophistication and self assurance.
Is there anything you learned that was surprising, either for good or bad?
I did. I learned that there is an enormous male population surfing the Internet looking for extramarital relationships, and not exclusively for sex, though that is certainly a part of it. Most of these men have been so forthright and open in explaining why they are looking. The anonymity offered by the sites allows for real candor. In too many cases, these men feel disconnected, unwanted, frustrated, and lonely. One put it quite succinctly: “I’m just a paycheck in my own home.” Too many of the marriages had gone stale, probably for both spouses. Most of these men continue to remain in the marriage for the sake of their children while fulfilling themselves with either actual or virtual affairs. I’m sure some of these marriages can be revived, but not all of them.
